He's Just Not That In To You

The movie is listed as a comedy/drama/romance, with some big names in Hollywood - Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Anniston. There were a few moments of laughter for me, but I can say it was more telling about the programing women have running through our heads.

Act 1: In a playground, a little girl and a little boy playing. The little boy pushes the girl down and proceeds to call her names and tells her she is stupid dog poop. Crying and barely able to speak the little girl tells her mother. The mother sets the wheels in motion by saying, "When little boys are mean to you it means they like you. It means they have a crush on you."

I remember hearing that and believing it too. It set me up for some serious disappointments regarding relationships with men.

An Epiphany struck in about 2004 or 2005, when I was searching for the answers to, Why does he treat me this way? Why does this keep happening to me?

Never would I admit that I was a codependent enabler. Not me, but after reading lots of books and actually allowing the truth to come forward it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to admit it, I was an enabler and codependent woman.

Everyday was a new challenge to consciously watch my behavior around other people, because I also learned that it wasn't just men that I allowed to be mean to me. I allowed my mother, friends, coworkers and just about anyone to use me. Somewhere in my psyche I thought I was doing a good thing by "being there for them." One person I wasn't there for was me.

The results of the awareness of my codependent nature arrived in full force during a relationship that went on from October of 2006 to February of 2008.

Tom and I started out as friends many years ago, and I was totally unaware of any thing between us beyond friendship. I invited cousins Kay and Elizabeth, her family, Tom, my son, Mom, Dad, neighbors and a few others to a Memorial day crab boil. I boiled everything outside. Tom, the kids and my dog were playing a game with the soccer ball. Elizabeth came up to me and whispered, "that guy Tom is in love with you."

"No way," I protested endlessly to all the women that joined Elizabeth in saying that he certainly was acting like it to them. But to me he was acting standoffish, loud and basically ignoring me. Elizabeth swore she saw it in his eyes.

I was adamant that we were nothing more than friends. Was it true? I did start to ponder about all the times we had stopped on the highway just to say hello and give each other a hug. He said that he "would make bat turns in the road if he saw me."

After the party Tom and I met for lunch at Cracker Barrel. We laughed so much our sides hurt, and when he walked me to my car he leaned in and kissed me. I returned the kiss, of course.
Even after the kiss I did not give in to a full on relationship with him.

By October the desire was too strong and we both surrendered and announced to the world we were a couple. Christmas came and he gave me a diamond journey necklace to represent all the years he had loved me. Valentines he showed up that morning at my job with a big bunch of red roses, candy and a guitar playing monkey singing "Wild Thing."

His actions would at times make me feel that I was the queen of the world and he was my hero. The darker side was not as obvious, and was never demonstrated around other people. It started with sly cutting remarks that went straight to the core of my being. He would come over to see me no matter how late it was after he finished work, but at the same time he groaned and griped about how tired he was, how other people were demanding of his time, and it was very telling to me. I told him to stop coming over every day after work. He did just that, without even a bat of his eye in protest.

Not too long after he stopped coming over everyday his visits became more and more infrequent. His reasons for not visiting me when he did have the time were as lame as "I have to make my bed." Give me a break, please. I remember that one from elementary school days, when a kid didn't want to play with you they would say they had to make their bed, like it was a really big deal.

Finally the words came out of his mouth, "Its not you, its me." My conclusion was this was the break-up statement, but he protested that it wasn't. He said he just needed time to get his head together; yahdee yadee yahda. I showed him on the Internet that those words were considered one of the ultimate break-up phrases. He continued to protest how that wasn't true, but to me it was a sealed deal. I may have been a bit cruel, but my words and actions came at the end after I had had the passive aggressive game played on me.

Most baby boomer men learned that girls were told that boys like us if they are mean to us. I saw it in my oldest brother and in other men that age. They often act according to the myths, and because of conditioning as little girls many women fall into the trap of accepting it and enabling the men to treat us poorly.

There was one character in the movie that seemed impervious to the myths. He befriended Gigi and told her how as a bartender he saw all the myths played out. Gigi was shocked to learn the truth and embarrassed by the fact that she had to admit her role in the game.

Taking back control of me, making conscious choices based on truth continues to challenge me today. I am grateful for where I am right now, because those games are not a part of my life, and I am free of the drama.